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This fundraiser ended on 12/25/11

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PTSD+Complicated grief are an absolutely debilitating pair. Please help someone in therapy survive the winter.

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My life has been devastated. As surely as you see victims after a natural disaster that are in shock, bewildered, exhausted and wondering what the next day will bring. I live my life without a safety net.

I lost my family, all of them. I cared for most of them until they died. Many died in my arms, I could do nothing to save them. I could only hold them and pray as they crossed a threshold I could not cross with them. After they had drawn their last breath I stayed with them, praying and talking to them. Reminding them of heaven and who was there to greet them. Thanking them, telling them I loved them. I prayed to G-d that He would have mercy enough to show them heaven so they wouldn’t have to be afraid to go. I stayed until I knew they were gone, their body still and their soul gone. There is a difference between bodily death and brain death.

In absolute shock, I handled all that was necessary to care for their remains. I made arrangements for funerals, eulogies and all the minutiae that accompanies such gatherings, seemingly on auto pilot. I remember those times, as a haze of a half remembered nightmare is recalled over coffee in the morning.

Ill equipped and unprepared for the life I was to lead after their death. I have managed only to get through each crisis as it came, until now. As putting out a field of small fires, you run from crisis to crisis. I have tried starting over and failed miserably each time, because I failed to fix the problem at the heart of matters.

I live now at one of my ex-bosses property, in a travel trailer, with no water or sewer. I have access to the house for water needs. My home runs on propane heat which I cannot easily afford being unemployed. I have taken out pawn shop loans on everything valuable I have.

There are no programs to help people like me. I have been more than responsible, I have no children. The programs out there to help only help people that have a ton of kids. Not people like me who were smart enough not to bring children into the world they couldn’t care for by themselves.

Therapy and Medical is in a town 30 miles away.

PTSD & Complicated Grief are what I have apparently. The Reactive Attachment makes me a compulsive caregiver, living on the periphery of life and people. The PTSD, I have nightmares and do not sleep well. The complicated Grief is the worst. It means for me that years later, I hurt as badly as the day I buried them. Debilitating. The pain has not eased over time when it concerns the loss of my family, any of them. I am alone, quite literally. My support network died. I have a few friends, but it is nothing like the true support, comfort and guidance only family can provide.

There are no jobs within 15 miles of where I live. I am trying to fix things now, so I can have a better chance at starting over this time. Instead of just soldier through the pain. Because I can not do it. I’ve tried. I am fundamentally broken and I am smart enough to realize that my life will only work if I can fix myself first. That is why I am under a Doctor’s care and seeing a therapist.

Please help me continue to get treatment. I need to get through this winter. Please help me reach my goal and then some. I could use any above the goal for propane for heat and cooking. If I can get through the winter, things should be better by next spring. Medication-wise, therapy-wise & on the housing front. I am trying to find a place where I can live, with water and sewer.

I have hope despite it all. Hope to find a home, someone to love & I have decided to go back to school. The meds I think are doing that for me. Still. It is better than before. I hope it continues to brighten as the days darken in winter. lol

Thank you for any and all help. Whether you can donate or if you just choose to get the link out to people that might be able to help. Thank you.

For information on Complicated grief see this article:

http://www.choosehelp.com/depression/is-it-grief-or-depression-or-complicated-grief

For information on PTSD see this article:

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-symptoms-effects.html

Doing everything I can at this point to try to get by. I have cleaned house for a friend. Applied for jobs that they don't bother getting back to you about. I listed my property for sale, with Windermere Realty, out of Colville, WA. 5 acres, North of Spokane. With the economy the way it is, might be sitting on that for awhile. I'll probably have died before that sells. Sheesh.


Please help, no one else is.
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