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I recently received a new diagnosis of autonomic dysfunction that caused my gastroparesis to begin with. The gastric pacer I had implanted

I feel my body getting weaker and weaker as my pain grows stronger and stronger. I seem to lose days and even weeks to my illness. This is a time in my life when I should be spending so much quality time with my oldest son, Noah, who will be heading off to college next fall. I should be shopping and enjoying every moment with my beautiful growing teenager, hope. I should be playing hide and go seek and video games with my quickly growing baby, Elijah. They all sacrifice so much. They give and do everything they can. Each one of them has a very different memory of when I became sick, because for so long I tried so hard to hide it, to keep being the best mommy in the world. I memorized Proverbs 31:10-31 and prayed it every day and made special emphasis on the parts I knew I needed help on. My biggest was to open my mouth with wisdom and on my tongue be the law of kindness. I would pray for forgiveness for all the times I raised my voice, yelled at my kids, and broke their hearts and over such meaningless stuff. I didn\\\'t have to ask them to forgive me; they just automatically would; still holding me on that pedestal as the best mommy in the world. In 2010 before I had my first surgery I wrote each one of them a letter and a very special one for my husband. Just in case I did not make it out. I have had doctors put in my records that I have an eating disorder. I used to jokingly say I could never be anorexic because I like food too much, and I could never be bulimic because I couldn\\\'t stand the thought of wasting food, but in a way this disease has made me both because I am afraid to eat because of the severe pain and bloating it causes as well as it coming up, but when I do eat, I eat what I want because I know it is going to come up anyway. Having gastroparesis is similar to having the stomach flu 24/7. I have had doctors refuse to give me IV fluids. I did not want pain meds or anything else just IV fluids because I knew I was getting to the point where they were not going to be able to find a vein. That doctor came in and said, "I am not saying you are lying to me but you are eating something you are not telling me because your blood work shows it, and I see you are dry but I am not going to authorize fluids." The blood work was showing my body consuming nutrients from my muscles and bones. The next day when I ended up in the ER they had to stick me 7 times. In 2011 I was so much worse. I would have episodes and they would come and go, but for some reason I could no longer hold down any food. After being in the hospital a week the doctors decided what they were doing was not helping so they unhooked my IV fluids and sent me home. Still unable to hold down any food or liquid 2 weeks later I was back in the hospital and they wanted to put in a feeding tube. I explained to them why I was not a good candidate and had them call the physician in Jackson to confirm that a feeding tube would only worsen my condition. Finally they reluctantly put in a PICC line to give me IV nutrition. When they realized that I was going to be in this condition long term I had a surgery to have a Hickman Catheter placed and I am still on IV nutrition. The nausea from gastroparesis is unlike any other nausea in the world. It consumes your entire body, every cell, not just in your stomach, or swimming in your head, it's everywhere. The pain is unlike any other pain as well. Even with pain medication, you just want to curl up in a ball and cry until it passes, but it never passes, it gets less painful at times. I have had Migraines in my stomach and it causes regular migraines. The worst part is the hunger does not go away. It gets to a point where I am so hungry I just have to eat something, knowing the severe pain it is going to cause, knowing my belly will bloat up within 5 minutes like I am 6 months pregnant, knowing the severe symptoms of diarrhea and vomiting, sometimes vomiting so hard I pull muscles in my back and my chest. Now finding out that gastroparesis is far from the worst of what Autonomic Dysfunction causes; slowly shutting down my Autonomic System one by one. I know God can heal me but I also know I need medical care sooner rather than later and we don't have the financial means to get us there.
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